Remember years ago when your mom or dad had that facts-of-life talk with you? Well, the tables are turned and you may have the more difficult talk to handle. As your parents age they may need help with not only their day-to-day living issues but also their long-term planning needs. This six-part series is designed to give you the perspective to deal with the wide variety of issues you’ll face when you become a parent to your parents. Part 1 of the series deals with initiating that facts-of-life talk with your parents. The next parts will focus in on medical/personal, financial and legal matters. Breaking the ice You can best help your parents by having a clear understanding of their medical, personal, financial and legal situation and by having frank and open discussions of what’s happening and may happen to them as the years go by. A face-to-face talk is the first and a very big step to help accomplish this. When your parents should have a talk There’s no easy time to have this chat. If your parents are fully capable right now, they may resent any inquiries and discussions you initiate as to their financial, medical, legal and personal affairs. If your parents are already feeling the effects of aging, your efforts on their behalf may just register as a reminder that they aren’t as capable today as they were yesterday. So don’t assume your parents want your help now. To the degree your parents can still manage their own affairs, respect their decisions and how much (or how little) help they want from you and your siblings. Who should talk to them There’s another element present here beyond a loved one getting older or fearing the aging process. If you have this talk with them, remember that your parents still look at you as the child and themselves as the parents. They may not want to take advice from you even if you’re 50 or 70 years old—you still may be Sonny boy or their little girl to them. So, with the baggage all of you bring to the parent-child relationship, you need to decide whether someone else should have this talk to your parents. Maybe because of the family dynamics, one or more of your brothers or sisters would be a better choice for having this talk with the folks. You could be there also unless staring into too many faces would make your parents feel as if a family coup were taking place. Be realistic as to whether any family member is the ideal choice for initiating this talk. If you rule out yourself and your siblings, who’s left? There should be still some good alternatives such as your parents’ clergyperson, primary physician or one of their very good friends. It might be emotionally less charged on both sides anyway if these non-family members are doing the talking with your folks. And they may be able to share their personal experience or the stories of other people they know who were/are in the same situation. Whoever is doing the talking with your parents should communicate the results of the talk with you (with your parents’ permission) so you can help your parents. What to talk about The subjects that should be on the table are your parents’ medical, personal, financial and legal matters. Depending upon their situation, all of this will be a discussion regarding what may happen down the road, may happen soon or what’s happening now. All things considered, with these kinds of issues it’s nice to have the luxury of doing advance planning. Next week In next week’s column we’ll deal with talking about your parents’ medical and personal situation. Copyright 2000-2010 Don Silver